Controversial Cancer Poem

CANCER: 

I have wars waged upon me and walks staged against me. 

You try to blame me and shame me for doing my job,

But maybe you should look at why I arrived.

You accuse genetics or food for giving you this curse,

But it is not what you put in your mouth

but what didn’t come out that was worse.

You invited me in, asked me to stay,

By burying your feelings and the things you wanted to say. 

The hate that you ate was your true poison.

And your only way out it to learn to be open.

I have no malice or motive, a villain I am not.

If you look deep within, you will realize this is a gift I have brought.

Life is too short and you are doing it all wrong.

The fastest way to fix it is for me to come along.

I am a teacher and I give you a present more precious than life, 

The reminder that you have caused your very own strife.

I do not break families apart but I bring them together.

I show you that the weak are strong

And to be vulnerable is better.

All that glitters is not gold

Your youth, hair, and breast will all get old.

You have put value in an asset with diminishing returns, 

And I will make sure that all of it burns.

Out of the ashes true beauty will grow,

And LOVE is the only word you will need to know.

I pray one day you will truly forgive,

Because that is the moment you will begin to live.

I composed this poem from Cancer's point of view for my one woman show, I Don't Have Cancer, during chemo treatments for breast cancer. 

If you found this helpful please donate to help make the documentary. 

Cancer Costumes...Halloween FUN

Halloween is for kids and cancer patients! There is joy that overflows from a child when asked, “What do you want to be for Halloween”. With it’s endless possibilities to express who they want to become, who they idolize. As a cancer patient the opportunity returns. 

It is a time to embrace the changes, the baldness, the scars. A time to laugh at the hand you have been dealt.

It is a day off from taking CANCER seriously. 

It is a time to take charge of YOUR identity, even if it is just for a day. 

Halloween 2014 -a week after my double mastectomy- there was no party but there was an appointment to remove my final drain bag. Circumstance made my costume…I was the Bride of Frankenstein, cut up and put back together. My amazing husband dressed as Dr. Frankenstein to support my crazy. 

It brought joy to what could have been an otherwise traumatizing situation. I had not seen my bare chest until that appointment and when I did my first thought was “What a FUCKING badass”. It set the tone for my journey to follow. 

Find out what I dressed up as this year (Spoiler: IT IS EPIC) on Instagram @AnielaMcG. 

Did you dress up during your treatment? Share what you were. Comment below.

If you found this helpful please donate to help make the documentary based on my one woman show, “I Don’t Have Cancer”. 

DOC TALK- with my Reconstructive Breast Surgeon

I was not afraid of cancer, I was afraid of the unknown. There are so many questions the come up when you are diagnosed- “Will I survive?” “Should I get a mastectomy?” “What will I look like?”. We look to other women and men who have been there before to get a glimpse at our possible future but every case in unique and some read more like horror stories that leave you awake at night. 

There is a point when you have to stop googling and go talk to a real expert. Dr. Christopher Low with Vanguard Aesthetic Plastic Surgery (VASPFL.com) was kind enough to let me interview him with some of my biggest breast reconstruction questions. He was also my outstanding reconstructive surgeon. You can see his work in my “Top 5 Weird Reasons I LOVE My Mastectomy” and “Mastectomy Photo Series”. 

Hopefully this will help ease some of your fears about the unknown world of reconstruction that you are heading into. 

Here is my list questions and you can hear all of his answers in my VLOG, “DOC TALK with my Reconstructive Breast Surgeon”:

• When is the best time to get a Plastic Surgeon involved?
• What is the difference between Silicone and Saline? 
• Will Silicone make me sick if it leaks?
• Tear drop vs. Round?
• Bras? 
  • Can I go without a bra? 
  • Any special type of bra?
• Nipples, what are my options?
• Expanders, Why did I need them?
• Why are your fingers blue?

“Fear keeps us focused on the past or worried about the future. If we can acknowledge our fear, we can realize that right now we are okay. Right now, today, we are still alive, and our bodies are working marvelously. Our eyes can still see the beautiful sky. Our ears can still hear the voices of our loved ones.”

— Thich Nhat Hanh

What are some questions you wish you asked when you started this process? Comment Below.

If you found this helpful please donate to help make the documentary based on my one woman show, “I Don’t Have Cancer”. 

The best place for soft, comfortable, inexpensive, front closure sports bras for after surgery was Walmart. They were the only place that had them. Here is a link for the ones I used. 

Mastectomy Photo Series

Have you ever googled mastectomy before and after photos? It’s a heartbreaking array of faceless women’s maimed breasts under florescent lighting.

In 2014, I was planning a preventative bilateral mastectomy to reduce my risk of breast cancer due to the BRCA1 genetic mutation. While "planning" I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. The Woody Allen quote "If you want to make GOD laugh, tell him your plans" comes to mind.  

Before removing my breasts I wanted photographic evidence of what they looked like, but I didn't want mug shots of attempted murders. I wanted a photo that captured how I felt. So I decided to do a photo series that would express the emotion in each stage of the process.  

I wanted to change the images that women saw of mastectomies. No more Before and After photos. I wanted them to see the Evolution, the Life, and the HUMOR in this dark situation. 

Blast 'Em Photography enthusiastically got on board from the very begining, having worked with them as a model before “cancer”. 

MUA/Hair by Nicole Patterson   Model- Aniela McGuinness     Photographer- Blast 'Em

MUA/Hair by Nicole Patterson   Model- Aniela McGuinness     Photographer- Blast 'Em

A year later we are ready to share the photo series with the world, just in time for Breast Cancer Awareness Month!

Each image represents how I felt during the mastectomy, chemo, and reconstruction process. 

Photographer- Blast 'Em        MUA & Hair- Aniela McGuinness      Model- Aniela McGuinness

Taken a week prior to my mastectomy, an ode to the iconic Rosie the Riveter image, and a memorial to my original breast. My goal was to capture the "We CAN Do It" spirit going into the biggest battle of my life.

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Photographer- Blast 'Em                MUA & Hair- Brynn Berg                  Model- Aniela McGuinness

A couple of weeks after my mastectomy, with the expanders in, we captured our Bride of Frankenstein shot. Brynn Berg did make-up and hair and blew it out of the water. She created the wig and put such detail into the special fx makeup. Each stitch on the chest was hand tied. The only real wounds in this shot are my breasts. 

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Photographer- Blast 'Em                    MUA- Tiffany Alfonso                    Model- Aniela McGuinness

The end of chemo, with my expanders fully inflated, I felt like a Mannequin. My eyebrows had to be airbrushed on and false eyelashes attached to just skin. Every hair on my body was gone. Tiffany Alfonso, from Beauty to Bloody, brought this concept to life. 

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Photographer- Blast 'Em           MUA & Hair- Aniela McGuinness            Model- Aniela McGuinness   Prosthetic Nipples by Pink-Perfect

Four months after chemo, two months after reconstruction and cancer-free, we finished the series with tear drop shaped gummy silicone implants and prosthetic nipples. 

The (censored) compilation. 

In the last year…

I had a skin sparing double mastectomy with a sentinel lymph node biopsy and expanders placed under the muscle on October 24th, 2014. December 2014 everything was put on hold for chemo. Chemo ended April 2015, followed by a complete hysterectomy in May 2015, and finally reconstruction June 29th, 2015.

For now, I have decided not to get my nipples reconstructed or tattooed because I enjoy the jokes and freedom I get from not having them. You can see what I mean here “Top 5 Weird Reasons I Love My Mastectomy”.

• Were you worried about how your breasts would look after your mastectomy? How did you deal with it? Please comment below. 

It’s breast cancer awareness month! Please share this post to raise awareness to check your boobs. 

Do you like my boobs? I have to give credit to my doctors. Dr. Eli Avisar at UM did the skin sparing mastectomy and Dr. Christopher Low at vapsfl.com, was my outstanding reconstructive surgeon.

If you found this helpful please donate to help make the documentary based on my one-woman show, “I Don’t Have Cancer”. 

A very special thanks to the make-up artists, Brynn Berg, on the Bride of Frankenstein photo, and Tiffany Alonso on the mannequin shoot. They helped expand the concept and make it art. Michelle and Chris Diamantides for lending the wig on the Frankenstein shoot. Alexa and Ellie from Blast Em' for put their heart and soul into this project and reminded me that collaborations make everthing better. 

10 Day Silent Adventure

Wednesday I begin an extraordinary quest into the uncharted, wilderness. A 10 day adventure where no one has ever gone before with dangers and traps waiting around every corner. There will be No phones, no internet, no reading or writing and…NO TALKING. 

Where I am I going? Into the depths of my own self. I will be embarking on a 10 day silent meditation called Vipassana. 

This is actually my second time, the first was two years ago on my 30th birthday and it was the hardest thing I had ever done. Then the day I emerged from silence I found out my mother had chosen to end her cancer treatments and was going into home hospice. The next week and a half I spent caring for her as she rapidly deteriorated and passed away while holding my hand. The meditation retreat became the second hardest thing I had ever done. 

Now, I have been through cancer myself and Vipassana is barely hanging on to my top 5 most difficult experiences. 

The big question is WHY? Why would I want to do this? But the better question is what do I GAIN by doing this? The answer…Internal SPACE. 

Vipassana is like performing surgery on myself. All of the baggage I have collected over the years is sliced from the depths of my being. The tool? Equanimous attention towards the sensations that arise in my body. 

Example: If I have an itch and instead of scratching it I am instructed to gently observe it. IMPOSSIBLE! My mind begins to go nuts, all I want to do is scratch that itch, I get angry, frustrated, OUTRAGED…then I break down and SCRATCH it. Awwww sweet relief, for a second, then another spot starts to itch and the cycle continues. 

BUT an amazing thing happens when I stop fighting. Once I take away the broad label- “itch” or “pain” - dissect the sensation (“itching” is tingling and warmth; “pain” can be a throbbing, cold), the mental suffering caused by the sensation lost it’s grip. Then eventually the sensation changes.

The lesson I learned is “nothing is permanent", everything changes and by craving or rejecting a situation/sensation I cause my own MISERY. THIS CHANGED MY LIFE!

As my mother died, I now knew that if I craved a different ending or rejected the fact that she was passing away, I would add more pain to this already excruciating experience. My heart was still broken, but I could start healing without having to first dig myself out from under the rubble of unnecessary emotional torment. 

When I was diagnosed with cancer a year later, that lesson gave me even more freedom. I didn’t waste precious energy wishing for things to be different, instead I could focus on enjoying the life I did had and getting better. 

Plus, the “pain” from surgery and chemo didn’t have the same power over me. Rather than running from it, I would look at it deep in the eyes, see what it was made of, hear what it had to say. Pain is like a child, it wants to be heard and when you ignore it, it gets LOUDER, but when you listen to it with love and compassion, it eventually loses interest and finds something else to do.  

I am excited to see what I will discover about myself this time. Bonus, my buzz cut makes me look like a monk, which is very fitting.

• Do you think you would you be able to be silent for 10 days? Would you want to? Comment below and tell me what the hardest thing you have ever done VOLUNTARILY and what you learned. 

New posts will resume Sept 30th.